Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.

1. January 1, 2000, falls on a Saturday and Monday is a holiday - you'll have plenty of time over the weekend.
2. You crave the excitement of computer system crashes.
3. You always enjoyed your granddad's tales of the Great Depression and want a similar experience.
4. Nostradamus never mentioned this problem.
5. You believe a comet is due to hit the Earth in 2000 - why bother?
6. Your horoscope said you should stay home for all of the year 2000.
7. You'd rather drink coffee than champagne on New Year's Eve.
8. You don't have the time right now - check back with you again next year when things slow down.
9. You'll be retired and relaxing somewhere on a beach when the year 2000 rolls around.
10. You're 95, on life-support and haven't paid your electric bill for the past three months.
11. You're not using computers yet, you're waiting for the prices to come down.
12. There's no way just two missing digits can possibly cause that much trouble.

486 - The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford.

Obsolete - Any computer you own.

Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

G3 - Apple's new Macs that make you say "Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago."

Syntax Error - Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."

Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.

GUI - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced "gooey")

Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Portable Computer - A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every aspect of American life with the introduction of contraceptive98, a suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex. Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play. It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market. The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of human beings. The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Condom98, DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton Utilities). A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package. The suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive98 Professional is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the sexual services sector. Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a package for startups, aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches. While Contraceptive98 does not address nontraditional copulatory channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year. They will be known as BackDoor, AuraLee, TitElation, and JerkOff.
OPERATION: Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the package. At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimum hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After installation, operation commences. One caution is that the user must have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message it is now safe to turn off your partner.
DRAWBACKS: Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time it is used.
CONCLUSION: Contraceptive98 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is a reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior to its shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the software, that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout and Restore, Uninterruptible Power Supply, and Onboard Camera. Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about contraceptive98's potential. He recently said, "Our contraceptive products will help users do to each other what we've been doing to our customers for years."

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the "Alabama" edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside Alabama. If you have one of the "Alabama" editions, you may need some help understanding the commands. The Alabama edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS 98 with a background picture of General Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver. Also note some of the standard desktop icons have been renamed.

Recycle Bin ----------------------"Outhouse",

My Computer ------------------- "This Infernal Contraption",

Dialup Networking -------------- "Good Ol' Boys",

Control Panel --------------------"Dern Dashboard"

'Hard Drive ----------------------"4 wheel drive',

Floppies discs ------------------- "them little ole plastic discthangs".

Other features:

Instead of a error message you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape. Also note that Winders 98 does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.

Standard Winders Messages:

OK = ats aww-right

cancel = hail no

reset = awa shoot

yes = shore

no = Naaaa

find = hunt-fer it

go to = over yonder

back = back yonder

help = hep me out here

stop = ternit off

start = crank it up

settings = sittins

programs = stuff at does stuff

documents = stuff I done done

Some programs that are exclusive to Winders 98:

tiperiter.......................a word processor

colering book..............a graphics program

addin mershene...........calculator

outhouse paper...........notepad

jupe-box ...................CD Player

iner-net......................Microsoft Explorer

pichers......................A graphics viewer

shot gun ...................Remington Arms price list

riffel..........................Winchester price list

pisstel.......................Smith & Wesson price list

truck........................Ford & Chevrolet dealers in Alabama by zip code

(o)(o) perfect breasts

( + )( + ) fake silicone breasts

(*)(*) high nipple breasts

(@)(@) big nipple breasts

oo a cups

{ O }{ O } d cups

(oYo) wonder bra breasts

( ^^)( ^^) cold breasts

(o)(O) lopsided breasts

(Q)(O) pierced breasts

(p)(p) hanging tassels breasts

\o/\o/ Grandma's breasts

( - )( - ) flat against the shower door breasts

< o>< o> electric shock breasts

|o||o| android breasts

(/)(o) scratched breasts (ouch)

(%)(o) extra nipple breasts (like Chandler)

($)($) Jenny McCarthy's breasts

1. The mouse is referred to as a, "critter"
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
3. There is a skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
4. The password is "bubba."
5. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
6. "Winders 95" has Dale Earnhardt sticker on it.
7. Outgoing faxes have beer stains on them.
8. The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast.
9. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts in them.
10. The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee options.
11. Jeff Foxworthy *.wavs.
12. The monitor is up on blocks.
13. Seven blue tick hounds under the desk.
14. Deer jerky in the desk drawer.
15. The screen saver consists of pictures of Ned Beatty with Dueling Banjos playing in the background.
16. The six front keys have rotted out.
17. John Deer Pocket Protectors.

• Competition is good. 90% market share is better.
• We're disappointed that the US government failed to reach a reasonable settlement with Microsoft. We thought that our press release last year about Microsoft buying the US government took care of these little details.
• We support a free marketplace. So long as our support is visibly branded everywhere, at any price.
• The Road Ahead: Revised edition, "How to avoid the sink holes."
• When in doubt, spend loads of cash on ads in all the major newspapers across the country on a one-day rampage against the government. That always beats befriending politicians and bureaucrats.
• We value our customers. That's why we only charge $75 per question on our toll-free tech support phone lines! (Hey, at least the phone call is free)!
• Just because our marketing memos effectively caught us with our pants down and our hands in the cookie jar, doesn't mean we can't bully our way out of this mess.
• We love the idea of competition. That's why we bought a huge chunk of Apple.
• The US economy depends heavily on Microsoft's ability to release Windows98 on time. Yeah, and that also proves how insignificant and non-monopolistic we are as compared to our software competitors.
• No Netscape for you!

REDMOND (BNN)--World leaders reacted with stunned silence as Microsoft Corp. (MSFT) conducted an underground nuclear test at a secret facility in eastern Washington state. The device, exploded at 9:22 am PDT (1622 GMT/12:22 p.m. EDT) today, was timed to coincide with talks between Microsoft and the US Department of Justice over possible antitrust action.

"Microsoft is going to defend its right to market its products by any and all necessary means," said Microsoft CEO Bill Gates. "Not that I'm anti-government" he continued, "but there would be few tears shed in the computer industry if Washington were engulfed in a bath of nuclear fire."

Scientists pegged the explosion at around 100 kilotons. "I nearly dropped my latte when I saw the seismometer" explained University of Washington geophysicist Dr. Whoops Blammover, "At first I thought it was Mt. Rainier, and I was thinking, damn, there goes the mountain bike vacation."

In Washington, President Clinton announced the US Government would boycott all Microsoft products indefinitely. Minutes later, the President reversed his decision. "We've tried sanctions since lunchtime, and they don't work," said the President. Instead, the administration will initiate a policy of "constructive engagement" with Microsoft.

Microsoft's Chief Technology Officer Nathan Myrhvold said the test justified Microsoft's recent acquisition of the Hanford Nuclear Reservation from the US Government. Not only did Microsoft acquire "kilograms of weapons grade plutonium" in the deal, said Myrhvold, "but we've finally found a place to dump those millions of unsold copies of Microsoft Bob." Myrhvold warned users not to replace Microsoft NT products with rival operating systems. "I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of a radioisotope thermoelectric generator inside of every Pentium II microprocessor," said Myrhvold, "but anyone who installs an OS written by a bunch of long-hairs on the Internet is going to get what they deserve."

The existence of an RTG in each Pentium II microprocessor would explain why the microprocessors, made by the Intel Corporation, run so hot. The Intel chips "put out more heat than they draw in electrical power" said Prof. E. E. Thymes of MIT. "This should finally dispel those stories about cold fusion."

Rumors suggest a second weapons development project is underway in California, headed by Microsoft rival Sun Microsystems. "They're doing all of the development work in Java," said one source close to the project. The development of a delivery system is said to be holding up progress. "Write once, bomb anywhere is still a dream at the moment."

Meanwhile, in Cupertino, California, Apple interim-CEO Steve Jobs was rumored to be in discussion with Oracle CEO Larry Ellison about deploying Apple's Newton technology against Microsoft. "Newton was the biggest bomb the Valley had developed in years," said one hardware engineer. "I'd hate to be around when they drop that product a second time."

Redmond, Wash-Microsoft today announced the newest addition to its popular Windows ™ line of computer operating systems. Code named Atlantis, the newest offering will be officially known as Win '00, pronounced Windows double zero.

At the gala press conference, President and CEO Bill Gates personally made the announcement. Multicast to every corner of the world, Gates spoke to the huge crowd of computer press, as a 60 foot high video screen behind him showed his face and Aerosmith sang their hit 'Dream On' in the background.

"We are on the verge of the new millenium, and Microsoft is ready to lead the way into the new century. Just as we have been on the forefront of technology, claiming every advance in computing, we will now set the newest standard in the market. Taking the concept of the Virtual machine to its next logical evolutionary stage, our new operating system features the virtual desktop. No longer can the luddites claim that we have taken the look and feel of a competitor's system. This concept will mark the beginning of a new paradigm for desktop computing. Yesterday's slogan was, "Where do you want to go today?" The slogan of tomorrow is, 'What do you want now?' Microsoft has shown again that we are the only choice."

Following the rousing cheers and a standing ovation from the assembled press, Vice President Steve Ballmar continued on the theme established during the keynote speech.

"As you all know, Microsoft is and will continue to be the dominant force in desktop software. To maintain our advantage, we have developed the ultimate in ease of use for our customers. Our aim was to develop something that would be everything to everyone, and to achieve this we have virtualized the entire operating system."

"Any user can make his system anything he wants, limited only by his lack of vision. Everyone can have things exactly as they want-Let me show you how powerful and easy this new concept is with an illustration. Imagine that you have to give a presentation for an important client, and that you will want to use a word processor for the text, a spreadsheet for some tabular data, and of course, some presentation graphics. Now further imagine that you have all of the Microsoft tools that will allow you to do this perfectly, conveniently located on your virtual desktop. Now imagine that you are done. Wasn't that easy!"

"By its nature, the virtual operating system and the associated virtual desktop, are highly correlated to the thoughts and needs of the individual user. So we have reassigned our current tech support staff to work on other critical items, including the next paradigm shift in network computing and mowing Bill's lawn, while we acquired the Psychic Friends Network to replace them. There will be a new tech support 800 number, where each caller will get the first 10 minutes free, and a chance to talk to his or her own psychic who can help with rebuilding the virtual desktop."

Press reaction was positive, with comments such as:

Steven Manes, columnist for PC World - "I have finally found something I can understand. It is so simple, a child could do it. There's nothing to it."

Sandy Reed, Editor of InfoWorld gushed, "The greatest thing since sliced bread. I can see now that this will be voted the best operating system in next year's readers' choice survey."

John Dvorak, computer columnist and radio personality - "This is revolutionary. I am surprised that no one thought of it before."

Windows, the number '00', and independent thought are trademarks of the Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved.

Woody Allen Virus - Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.
Tonya Harding Virus - Turns your BAT files into lethal weapons.
Paul Revere Virus - Warns of an impending virus infection: 1 if by LAN, 2 if by C:\.
Hillary Rodham Clinton Virus - Instantly turns 1K of disk space into 1 Meg.
Ollie North Virus - Plays a patriotic WAV file while it shreds your files.
Joey Buttafuaco Virus - Only attacks minor files.
Lorena Bobbit Virus - Your hard disc turns into a 3.5 floppy.
Ronald Reagan Virus - Saves your data, but forgets where it's stored.
Jane Fonda Virus - Attacks your hard drive's FAT.
Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.
AT&T Virus - Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI Virus - Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T Virus.
Politically Correct Virus - Never calls itself a "virus," instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro organism."
Ross Perot Virus - Activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn thing quits.
Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
Government Economist Virus - Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
Federal Bureaucrat Virus - Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
Adam and Eve Virus - Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.
Congressional Virus #1 - The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
Congressional Virus #2 - Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
Airline Virus - You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
Freudian Virus - Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard. Or becomes very jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive.
PBS Virus - Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.
Jimmy Hoffa Virus - Your programs can never be found again
LAPD Virus - It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self - defense."

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern

BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick

BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro

CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps

CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in

TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker

CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited

DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers

DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer

FAX - What you lie about to the IRS

HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking

HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos

INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair

KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere

MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food

MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers

MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall

MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live

NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line

ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test

ROM - Where the pope lives

SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch

SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast

SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year

SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

They replicate quickly Okay, Windows does that Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so okay, Windows does that Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk Okay, Windows does that, too

Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems Sigh... Windows does that, too

Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow and the user will buy new hardware Yup, that's with Windows, too

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature

So, Windows is *not* a virus

Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."

Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"

Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think its a little smaller than we anticipated."

Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date."

Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."

Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use a Stacker."

Bill: "Stacker?"

Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into

the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment centre on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you're done."

Bill: "Uh... I dunno... issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way."

Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs."

Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?"

Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system."

Bill: "You're kidding!?"

Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way."

Bill: Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work."

Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures."

Bill: "And how do I fix that?"

Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house and then you can get back to work."

Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?"

Contractor: "Hey, if you don't like it nobody made you buy it."

Bill: "And when will this be fixed?"

Contractor: "Oh, in your next house -- which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year, but we've had some delays..."

6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.

5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.

4. Even your smallest mistakes are committed to memory for future reference.

3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

2. The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".

REDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 21, 1997 -- In direct response to accusations made by the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will be acquiring the federal government of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum. "It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth", said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, "It really is going to be a positive arrangement for everyone". Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the White House with U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the press that changes will be "minimal". The United States will be managed as a wholly owned division of Microsoft. An initial public offering is planned for July of next year, and the federal government is expected to be profitable by "Q4 1999 at the latest", according to Microsoft president Steve Ballmer. In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had "willingly and enthusiastically" accepted a position as a vice president with Microsoft, and will continue to manage the United States government, reporting directly to Bill Gates. When asked how it felt to give up the mantle of executive authority to Gates, Clinton smiled and referred to it as "a relief". He went on to say that Gates has a "proven track record", and that U.S. citizens should offer Gates their "full support and confidence". Clinton will reportedly be earning several times the $200,000 annually he has earned as U.S. president, in his new role at Microsoft. Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond as "silly", though did say that he would make executive decisions for the U.S. government from his existing office at Microsoft headquarters.

Gates went on to say that the House and Senate would "of course" be abolished. "Microsoft isn't a democracy", he observed, "and look how well we're doing". When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was proceeding, Gates said, "We don't deny that discussions are taking place". Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating that United States citizens will be able to expect lower taxes, increases in government services and discounts on all Microsoft products.

About Microsoft

Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the worldwide leader in software for personal computers, and democratic government. The company offers a wide range of products and services for public, business and personal use, each designed with the mission of making it easier and more enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full power of personal computing and free society every day.

About the United States

Founded in 1789, the United States of America is the most successful nation in the history of the world, and has been a beacon of democracy and opportunity for over 200 years. Headquartered in Washington, D.C., the

United States is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft Corporation.

WASHINGTON-The Justice Department today filed suit against Ford Motor Company, alleging that Ford's practice of "bundling" radios with its cars was a monopolistic restriction of trade and an unfair competitive practice against makers of car radios such as Alpine and Pioneer. "We feel that it is wrong for Ford to give away what other companies charge for," said Joe Klein, head of the Dodge's antitrust division. "Furthermore, requiring that Ford dealers deliver cars to consumers with radios preinstalled restricts consumer choice."

Justice demanded that Ford immediately cease shipping cars with radios, and that it provides current Ford owners with easy instructions for removing their existing radios. Klein also asked a judge to impose a $1,000,000 per day fine on Ford for each day it failed to comply. "Usually, antitrust fines are about $10,000 per day," Klein said. Klein called the amount of the requested fine "unprecedented", but then said, "Well, you know, what the hell."

Yesterday,

All those backups seemed a waste of pay.

Now my database has gone away.

Oh I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,

There's not half the files there used to be,

And there's a milestone

hanging over me

The system crashed so suddenly.

I pushed something wrong

What it was I could not say.

Now all my data's gone

and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

Yesterday,

The need for back-ups seemed so far away.

I knew my data was all here to stay,

Now I believe in yesterday.

• Eleanor Rigby

Eleanor Rigby

Sits at the keyboard

And waits for a line on the screen

Lives in a dream

Waits for a signal

Finding some code

That will make the machine do some more.

What is it for?

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?

All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Guru MacKenzie

Typing the lines of a program that no one will run;

Isn't it fun?

Look at him working,

Munching some chips as he waits for the code to compile;

It takes a while...

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?

All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Eleanor Rigby

Crashes the system and loses 6 hours of work;

Feels like a jerk.

Guru MacKenzie

Wiping the crumbs off the keys as he types in the code;

Nothing will load.

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?

All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

• Unix Man (Nowhere Man)

He's a real UNIX Man

Sitting in his UNIX LAN

Making all his UNIX plans

For nobody.

Knows the blocksize from du(1)

Cares not where /dev/null goes to

Isn't he a bit like you

And me?

UNIX Man, please listen(2)

My lpd(8) is missin'

UNIX Man

The wo-o-o-orld is at(1) your command.

He's as wise as he can be

Uses lex and yacc and C

UNIX Man, can you help me At all?

UNIX Man, don't worry

Test with time(1), don't hurry

UNIX Man

The new kernel boots, just like you had planned.

He's a real UNIX Man

Sitting in his UNIX LAN

Making all his UNIX plans For nobody ...

Making all his UNIX plans For nobody.

• Write in C ("Let it Be")

When I find my code in tons of trouble,

Friends and colleagues come to me,

Speaking words of wisdom:

"Write in C."

As the deadline fast approaches,

And bugs are all that I can see,

Somewhere, someone whispers:

"Write in C."

Write in C, Write in C,

Write in C, oh, Write in C.

LOGO's dead and buried,

Write in C.

I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,

For science it worked flawlessly.

Try using it for graphics!

Write in C.

If you've just spent nearly 30 hours,

Debugging some assembly,

Soon you will be glad to

Write in C.

Write in C, Write in C,

Write in C, yeah, Write in C.

BASIC's not the answer.

Write in C.

Write in C, Write in C

Write in C, oh, Write in C.

Pascal won't quite cut it.

Write in C.

• Something

Something in the way it fails,

Defies the algorithm's logic!

Something in the way it coredumps...

I don't want to leave it now

I'll fix this problem somehow

Somewhere in the memory I know,

A pointer's got to be corrupted.

Stepping in the debugger will show me...

I don't want to leave it now

I'm too close to leave it now

You're asking me can this code go?

I don't know, I don't know...

What sequence causes it to blow?

I don't know, I don't know...

Something in the initializing code?

And all I have to do is think of it!

Something in the listing will show me...

I don't want to leave it now

I'll fix this tonight I vow!

17. Their number one product would hence forth be known as "Winders 95".

16. Instead of an hourglass icon, you'd get an empty beer bottle.

15. Occasionally you'd bring up a winder that was covered with a Hefty

bag and some duct tape.

14. Dialog boxes would give you the choices of "Ahh-right","Naw" or "Git" of "Yes" "No" or "Cancel".

13. Instead of Ta-Da! the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos.

12. The "Recycle Bin" in Winders 95 would be an outhouse.

11. Whenever you pulled up the sound player, you'd hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling "Freebird!"

10. Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders 95 theme song would be Achey Breaky Heart"

9. Powerpoint would hence forth be named "ParPawnt"

8. Microsoft's programming tools would be "Vishul Basic" & "Vishul C++".

7. Winders 95 Logo would incorporate the confederate flag.

6. Instead of "VP', Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz".

5. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am.

4. Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver

3. "Well, the first thing you know, ole Bill's a billionaire."

2. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator.

As sung to the tune of "Rawhide":

Loading, loading, loading,

Damn this Java coding,

Feeling of forboding, Reload!

The Applet says it's running,

And that big grey block is stunning,

But the screen remains as blank as my mind

Netscape crash, Boot 'em up!

Net goes down, Dial back! Logging on,

Still off-line! Reload!

Try it now, Still not up!

Netscape crashed, What, again?

Boot it up, Log it in, Reload!

Tighten, tweakin', smoothen,

They say the codes improvin',

So how come I'm still usin' "reload"?

I'm tired of all this waitin',

Just give me .gif animation,

This code is only good for wasting time,

The applet says it's running,

And grey block is quite stunning,

But the screen remains as blank as my mind,

(Midi solo)

beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,

beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,

beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,

beep, beep,

beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,

beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,

beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,

beep,beep,

Netscape crash, Boot 'em up!

Net goes down, Dial back!

Logging on, Still off-line!

Reload!

Try it now, Still not up!

Netscape crashed, What, again?

Boot it up, Log it in,

Reload! Reload!!

11) Invited entire tech-support department to play golf. Brought Melissa to complete the foursome.

10) Steve Jobs started work today. The silverware looks great, but he doesn't do windows-yet.

9) The baby cries constantly. Maybe I'll buy Fisher-Price.

8) Bought my first Macintosh. It's sooooo cute!

7) Good day. Found over 15 bucks' worth of soda cans in the trash bins outside Microsoft headquarters.

6) Bad day. Ellison sent back the heads of two of the three hit men I hired, along with a note saying he ate the third one whole.

5) Still ahead of Murdoch and Eisner. Yes!

4) Reminder: 35-cent Snapple coupon expires in two days!

3) Memo to self: Next time, when my wife says we need to buy china, she means dishes.

2) Ran into Demi and Bruce. Upped my offer to a billion dollars.

and the Number 1 Entry in Bill Gates's Diary...

2. You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 1.1 or higher."

3. You name your children Eudora, Mozillia and Dotcom.

4. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

5. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and

your child in the overhead compartment.

6. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.

7. You laugh at people with 9600-baud modems.

8. You start using smileys in your snail mail.

9. Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP's access number. You try to hum to communicate with the modem. ...And you succeed.

10. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com

11. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

12. You start introducing yourself as "JohnDoe at AOL dot com."

13. All of your friends have an @ in their names.

14. Your cat has its own home page.

15. You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.

16. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

17. Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

18. You don't know what sex three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

21. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

How E-mail is Like a Penis
Some folks have it, some don't. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong. Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it. It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.
In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time. Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.
It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously; others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late.
If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.
It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size
and influence warrant. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.
It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp you behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I do that?"
It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will do the same damn dumb things it did before.

This memo is to announce the development of a new company-wide software system. We are currently building a data warehouse that will contain all Metrics data. The program is referred to as the "Metrics Information Access Software System" (MIASS). Next Monday at 0900 hrs there will be a meeting in which I will show MIASS. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MIASS. As for the status of the implementation of the program, I have not addressed the networking aspects so currently only one person can be in MIASS at a time. This should change as MIASS expands. Several people are using the program already and have come to depend on it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MIASS. I've noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid of MIASS.

Just last week, when asked to enter some information into the program, I had a secretary say to me "I'm a little nervous, I've never put anything in MIASS before." I volunteered to help her through her first time and when we were through she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again. She went so far as to say that after using SAP and Oracle, she was ready to kiss MIASS. I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MIASS upon initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MIASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MIASS. We planned this database to encompass all information associated with the business. So as you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want into MIASS. As MIASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace to walk by an office and see a manager hand a paper to an employee and say "Here, stick this in MIASS"

This program has already demonstrated great benefit to the company during recent audits. After requesting certain historical data the customer was amazed at how quickly we provided the information. When asked how the numbers could be retrieved so rapidly, our Program Manager proudly stated "Simple, I just pulled them out of MIASS".

Windows 95: n.   32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition.

The End Luser
A guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty. Tech: "What's the problem?" LUser: "There is smoke coming out of the power supply." Tech: "You'll need a new power supply." LUser: "No I don't! I just need to change the startup files." Tech: "Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it." LUser: "No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command." 10 minutes later, the LUser is still adamant that they are right. The Tech is frustrated and fed up. Tech: "Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem." LUser: "I knew it!" Tech: "Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes." 10 minutes later. LUser: "It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking." Tech: "Well, what version of DOS are you using?" LUser: "MS-DOS 6.22." Tech: "That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes." 1 hour later. LUser: "I need a new power supply." Tech: "How did you come to that conclusion?" LUser: "Well, I rang Microsoft and told him all about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply." Tech: "Then what did he say?" LUser: "He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE."
How to Describe an Arse in a Chat Room
(_!_)        A Regular Arse
(__!__)    A Fat Arse
(!)           A Tight Arse
(_._)       A Flat Arse
(_^^_)      A Bubble Arse
(_*_)      A Sore Arse
(_!__)     A Lop-Sided Arse
{_!_}       A Swishy Arse
(_O_)      An Arse That's Been Around
(_O_)     And Arse That's Been Around Even More
(_$_)      This Arse Will Cost You
(_O_)      This Arse Costs A Lot Less
(_/_)      An Asian Arse
(_~_)     A Latin Arse
(_*_)     A French Arse
(_X_)     Kiss My Arse
(_X_)     Leave My Arse Alone
(_#_)     Pound My Arse
(_##_)   Pound My Arse Even Harder
(_<_)   An Arse Ready For Action
(_Zzz_)    A Tired Arse
(_Oo_)     An Arse Built For Two
(_O^^O_)   A Wise Arse
(_13_)     An Unlucky Arse
(_Y_)      An Arse That Can't Say No
(_*_)    Tongue In Cheek

TOP 10 REASONS PROSTITUTION IS BETTER THAN CONSULTING

10) You get to choose your clients

9) Hotel, etc. expenses are directly billed

8) You actually receive that high hourly rate clients are paying for you

7) No dress code

6) Close client interaction at all times

5) You are working nights anyway

4) Finally a way to fit exercise into a tight schedule

3) Continual feedback - every two hours or so

2) Not tied down working with a team (unless you want to be)

1) Either way you are screwing clients

IMPORTANT!  READ THIS BEFORE USING YOUR NEW DEVICE
Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver.  Which is why we ask you to:
PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE.  YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING  WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT?  WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?!?
We're sorry.  We just get a little crazy sometimes because we're always getting back "defective" merchandise where it turns out that the consumer inadvertently bathed the device in acid for six days.  So, in writing these instructions, we naturally tend to assume that your skull is filled with dead insects, but we mean nothing by it.  OK?  Now let's talk about:
1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE
The device is encased in foam to protect it from the Shipping People, who
like nothing more than to jab spears into outgoing boxes.
PLEASE INSPECT THE CONTENTS CAREFULLY FOR GASHES OR IDA MAE BARKER'S ENGAGEMENT RING, WHICH SHE LOST LAST WEEK, AND SHE THINKS MAYBE IT WAS WHILE SHE WAS PACKING DEVICES. Ida Mae really wants that ring back, because it is her only proof of engagement, and her fiancee, Stuart, is now seriously considering backing out on the whole thing in as much as he had consumed most of a bottle of Jim Beam in Quality Control when he decided to pop the question.  It is not without irony that Ida Mae's last name is "Barker", if you get our drift.
WARNING: DO NOT EVER AS LONG AS YOU LIVE THROW AWAY THE BOX OR ANY OF THE PIECES OF STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED LIKE PEANUTS. If you attempt to return the device to the store, and you are missing one single peanut, the store personnel will laugh in the chilling manner exhibited by Joseph Stalin just after he enslaved Eastern Europe.
Besides the device, the box should contain:
* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
* A little plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.
YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable.
IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING:  You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your spouse and say "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King without a major transmission overhaul?  Because nobody cares, that's why." WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret. And not Pete.
2. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE
The plug on this device represents the latest thinking of the electrical industry's Plug Mutation Group, which, in a continuing effort to prevent
consumers from causing hazardous electrical current to flow through
their appliances, developed the Three-Pronged Plug, then the Plug Where One Prong is Bigger Than the Other.  Your device is equipped with the revolutionary new Plug Whose Prongs Consist of Six Small Religious Figurines Made of Chocolate. DO NOT TRY TO PLUG IT IN! Lay it gently on the floor near an outlet, but out of direct sunlight, and clean it weekly with a damp handkerchief. WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE LAYING THE PLUG ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT HOLD A SHARP OBJECT IN YOUR OTHER HAND AND TRIP OVER THE CORD AND POKE YOUR EYE OUT, AS THIS COULD VOID THE WARRANTY.
3. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE
WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE ATTRACTIVE DESIGNER CASE. THE ACTUAL WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF THE DEVICE ARE MANUFACTURED IN JAPAN.  THE INSTRUCTIONS WERE TRANSLATED BY MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER OF ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE, WHO HAS NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN TO JAPAN BUT DOES HAVE MOST OF "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.
INSTRUCTIONS:  For results that can be the finest, it is our advising that: NEVER to hold these buttons two times!!  Except the battery.  Next taking the (something) earth section may cause a large occurrence!  However.  If this is not a trouble, such rotation is a very maintenance action, as a kindly something) virepoint from Drawing B.
4. WARRANTY
Be it hereby known that this device, together with but not excluding all those certain parts thereunto, shall be warrantied against all defects, failures and malfunctions as shall occur between now and Thursday afternoon shortly before 2, during which time the Manufacturer will, at no charge to the Owner,  send the device to our Service People, who will emerge from their caves and engage in rituals designed to cleanse it of evil spirits. This warranty does not cover the attractive designer case. WARNING: IT MAY BE A VIOLATION OF SOME LAW THAT MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER HAS "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

Work is accomplished by those employees who are still striving to reach their level of incompetence.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. (Project Management at its best).