Jokes About Women
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Milking the Cow
A town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk. The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles - or one from Minsk for only 1000 rubles. So, naturally, --- they got the cow from Minsk. It was a great cow: had a wonderful disposition, and gave lots of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it dearly. The people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows like it, and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day. Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the rabbi what to do. After all he was very wise. They told him the story. "Rabbi, we’ve tried all day to mate our cow. When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left and when the bull moves in from the left the cow moves to the right. What do we do?" The Rabbi thought a moment and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?" "Rabbi!" they replied as one, "You are so wise! We never said we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know that?" The Rabbi said, sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."
New Orleans Funeral
All his life Harry wanted to visit New Orleans, but each time he pleaded his case, his wife refused. Theirs was not the happiest of marriages, and over the years, Harry grew tired of begging her. He finally decided to pack his things and go to New Orleans. Upon arrival, Harry became reborn, wandering the French Quarter, eating the Cajun food, listening to the sounds and seeing the sights. Sitting in a sidewalk cafe, having a beer, he watched a most unusual sight. A big black hearse, covered with flowers, slowly drove through the streets, followed by a well- dressed man and his St. Bernard, "Max". Behind the man and his dog, a single-file line of men formed a procession that went on for miles, seemingly endless. Curiosity overcame Harry, for this custom was surely a part of New Orleans, and he had waited all his life to fully experience all of it. He approached the man and his dog, and politely asked the nature of this procession. It was explained that the hearse contained the mans' wife, and that Max had recently attacked and killed her. "I'm so sorry for you" said Harry, when he remembered his miserable wife back home. "When this is over, do you think I could borrow your dog?" "Sure, get in line", came the reply.
His/Her Drive-Up ATM's
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in gear, reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41.Release parking brake
A man comes home from work to find his wife standing on the porch with her bags packed and waiting on a cab. He asks "What do you have your bags packed for?" "I am going to the Strip club and sell what you been getting for free. I am gonna sell sex for $400 a pop!" she answered. With that, the husband runs into the house and in a few minutes he comes back out with his luggage packed and ready to go. The wife asks "Where the hell you a going?" "I'm going out there with you to see how you are going to live on $800 a year!"
Signs you Have PMS
Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette.
The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
Your using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, "How's my driving- call 1-800-***-****".
Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
You're counting down the days until menopause.
You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
A young lady had just visited her doctor and he informed her that she was pregnant. The young lady had been married for ten years and had wanted a baby very badly. As she sat on the bus, on her way home, she felt that she had to share the good news with someone. The gentleman sitting next to her seemed as good as anyone to share the good news with.
Sir, she said, I just received the best news you could ever imagine. I have to share it with someone or I'll bust. She told him the news that the doctor had told her about being pregnant.
The man shared her enthusiasm as he shared his experience. He said he was a farmer and he had trouble with his hens laying eggs. He stated that he went out to the hen house one morning and all of his hens had layed eggs. He was so happy. he added, "but confidentially, I changed cocks." The newly pregnant woman responded, "Confidentially, me too."
The CIA Test for Assassins
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available. The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well", says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."
So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"
What women say... ...What they mean...
Can't we just be friends? There is no way in hell I am going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again.
I just need some space ...without you in it
Can you help me with my homework? If I keep whining, the fool will do it for me.
Do I look fat in this dress? We haven't had a fight in a while
No, pizza's fine Cheap bastard
I just do not want a boyfriend now I just do not want (you as a) boyfriend now
Come here My puppy does this too
I like you but... I don't like you
You never listen You never listen
We're moving too quickly I am not going to sleep with you
I'll be ready in a minute I AM ready, but I am going to make you wait because I know you will.
No, I will pay for myself I am just being nice; there is no way I am going dutch
Oh Yes! Right there Well, near there; I just want to get this over with
I'm just going out with the girls We are gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends
There's no one else I am doing your brother
Size doesn't count... unless I want an orgasm
SEMINARS FOR WOMEN
The male staff will be offering courses to women of all marital status. Attendance in at least ten is mandatory:
Course No. Course Title
WHY COFFEE IS BETTER THAN WOMEN
1. Why did the barefoot and pregnant women cross the street? That's not the point, why the hell is she out of the kitchen.
2. Yes, I did meet Miss Right, it wasn't until we'd been married 2 years that I found out her real christian name was F*****g Always.
3. All men are created equal ............. poor things.
4. Why did God create man? Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
5. Single women complain that all good men are married, while married women complain about their lousy husbands. This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.
6. Why do men like masturbation? It's sex with somone they love.
7. Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are a man's best friend. Now you know which sex is smarter.
8. What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 45 lbs.
9. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes
10. One sperm says to the other, "How far is it to the ovaries?"
The other one says, "Relax. We just passed the tonsils."
11. What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? Sexual harassment.
What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? $3.99 a minute.
12. What is the definition of "making love"? Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.
13. A midget sidles up to a tall blonde and says, "Hey, what do you say to
a little fuck?" She says, "Hello, you little fuck."
14. How are women and rocks alike? You skip the flat ones.
15. Did you hear about the new blonde paint? It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.
16. How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
17. How can you tell if your husband is dead? The sex is the same but you get the remote.
18. What's the difference between Pee-wee Herman and O.J.? It only took twelve jerks to get O.J. off.
19. How do we know God is a man? Because if God were a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate.
20. Why did cavemen pull their women around by the hair? Because if they pulled them around by their feet, they'd fill up with mud.
21. If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? The swallow.
22. What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme? Humpme Dumpme.
25 Things Women Should Know!
1. SportsCenter starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister.
2. Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.
3. Unlike you, we essentially want to dress just exactly like all our friends. Thus, you need not go much further than the Gap, J. Crew or the local Patagonia store.
4. If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
5. Butthead is the smart one.
6. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
7. You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
8. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship."
9. Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.
10. Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching anything on TBS, playing cards, smoking cigars and picking out the beer.
11. Socks never constitute a gift.
12. Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby.
13. We don't know anything about handbags. Don't even ask.
14. We did water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens.
15. Even if you think he's cute, Kevin Costner can't act.
16. Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense to do "Sirens" rather than "Waterworld."
17. Curley is the bald one.
18. Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of yours.
19. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that.
20. Its in neither your interest nor ours to take the Quiz together.
21. Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your sister are up to.
22. Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital conversation are not.
23. Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better.
24. No, you can't have the remote control.
25. If you must take us with you into Victoria's Secret, never, ever leave us alone. All the old fat ladies make mean faces at us and only add to our discomfort.
The Last Ten Things Any Woman Would Ever Say
1. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
2. Go ahead and leave the seat up. It's easier for me to douche that way anyway.
3. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
4. Hey! Get a whiff of that one!
5. Let me cook tonight. I'm tired of going out to dinner.
6. Please don't throw that old T-shirt away. The holes in the armpits are just too cute.
7. This diamond is way too big!
8. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
9. Does this outfit make my butt look too small?
10. I'm wrong. You must be right again.
Only One Wish
A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one."The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So I wish for a road to be built from California to Hawaii."
The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask."
The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?" The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So was that a two lane road or four?"
Feel Like a Woman
A passenger plane on a cross-country trip gets caught in a unexpectedly strong storm. The plane is buffeted by rain, hail and strong winds. The pilot deftly tries to navigate the plane through the ever-worsening conditions. The passengers are nervously consoling each other until they are startled by a large crash as lightening strikes the end of one of the wings. All the passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash and they are all going to die. As the screams subside but the fear does not, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, "I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and die like an animal, strapped into a chair. If I am going to die, let me die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like a woman?!!"
She sees a hand raise in the back, and a handsome, tall, muscular man smiles and starts to walk up to her seat. As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. Even in the poor illumination of the plane's emergency lights she can see the striations of his large, toned muscles. He stands in front of her, powerfully clutching the seat in front of hers for balance, hands her his shirt and says, "Here. Iron this."
"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."
"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you."
"What's a 'woman', Lord?"
"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.", replies the heavenly voice. "Sounds great." "She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."
"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?", Adam replies.
"She'll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear, and a testicle."
Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam asks the Lord, "Uh, what can I get for a rib?"
Time To Leave
It was late one night when a man walked into a bar. He sat down and asked the bartender to bring him a beer. The bartender did. So the man quickly drank down the beer, then looked into his pocket, sighed, and asked the bartender for another beer. So once he received this beer, the man again drank it down. after that he looked into his pocket again, sighed, and ordered another beer. now this went on for quite some time. and each time the man finished a beer he would look into his pocket and then order another. now the bartender had begun to get suspicious so he said, "Hey man, how come every time you drink a beer you look into your pocket?" now the man replied, "Well.....I have a picture of my wife in my pocket. and I keep on drinking until she looks good, and then I go home."
Top ten things women would do if they woke up and had a penis for a day:
10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch/shift yourself in public without thought to how improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
... And, the NUMBER ONE thing women would do if they woke up with a penis...
1. Repeat number 9.
Politically Correct Ways to Address Women
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple. The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
A Good Salesman
A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?" "Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come see you when we close up." The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?" "One" said the young salesman. "Only one," blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth? " "Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man. "How did you manage that?" Asked the flabbergasted boss. "Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser." The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment. "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?" "No" answered the salesman, "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for His wife and I said to him, "Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing."
The Price of a Wife
A man is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whatcha get the case of beer for?" "I got it for my wife." answers Bob. "Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."
Reasons Why Sheep are Better Than Women
1.Sheep don't have a gag reflex, or upper teeth.
2.You can get a better grip on a sheep's ear.
3.Sheep don't shy away from boots and leather.
4.Cotton mouth is easier to get rid of than a social disease.
5.Nuttin' beats mutton!
6.Sheep won't argue about whose turn it is to go get a towel.
7.Sheep won't drink your liquor, smoke your weed, snort your coke, and then tell you they have to be home early.
8.Sheep never ask if you're ready to settle down.
9.Sheep never ask about you former lovers and then get pissed off when you tell them.
10.No matter how old or ugly you are, you can always find a willing ewe.
11.Sheep are never concerned about their reputation.
12.Sheep won't tell all their friends about the time you couldn't get it up.
13.Sheep won't ask if you're gay, when you can't get it up for the second time.
14.Sheep never insist on eating out.
15.You'll never catch your sheep masturbating to a picture of Mel Gibson.
16.Sheep don't get suspicious if you have to work late.
17.Sheep don't smell like tuna fish.
18.Sheep don't get moody once a month.
19.You can eat a lamb chop without getting wool stuck in your teeth.
20.A sheep doesn't expect you to support her for the rest of her life after one roll in the hay.
21.A sheep never wears curlers and a mud pack to bed.
22.A sheep doesn't stop screwing after the honeymoon.
23.A sheep won't get drunk and throw up in your car.
24.A sheep won't think that a weekend stay-over entitles her to rearrange your furniture and put up new curtains.
25.A sheep won't expect you to pay...and pay...and pay...and pay
26.A sheep will never complain about the spittoon in your pickup.
27.A sheep will never throw out your old copies of Playboy.
28.A sheep won't care of you keep your fish bait in the refrigerator.
29.A sheep won't get even with you by spending your paycheck on new clothes, none of which are see-through or meant to be worn in the bedroom.
30.A sheep will never sue you for palimony.
31.A sheep won't care if you screw her sister.
32.A sheep won't care if your secretary is better looking than she is.
33.A sheep will never tell you the ceiling needs to be painted while you're screwing.
34.A sheep won't use you razor to shave its legs, or your pocketknife to open a paint can.
35.Sheep never have a headache.
36.A sheep won't give your favorite hunting shirt to Goodwill.
37.A sheep won't leave wet nylons hanging all over the bathroom.
38.A sheep will never ask you to stop on the way home from work and pick up a box of tampons.
39.Sheep grow their own fur coats.
40.A sheep will never leave a vibrator on the living room couch when you're having friends over to watch football.
41.Sheep won't cheat on you with your best friend.
42.A sheep will never ask if you'll still respect her in the morning.
43.Sheep aren't into talking before or after sex.
44.A sheep never yells at you for leaving the lid up.
45.A sheep won't send you out for batteries for her vibrator.
46.A sheep doesn't think it's demeaning or kinky to do it doggy style.
47.A sheep won't mind if you put up mirrors in the bedroom.
48.Sheep are "ram tough".
49.A sheep won't think your cheap and tacky if you: send daisies instead of long-stemmed red roses, tip less than 20%, wear levis with a hole in the seat, or open beer bottles with your teeth.
50.Sheep don't mind if you leave the lights on.
51.Sheep don't mind doing it in the morning.
52.Sheep don't mind doing it in a pickup truck.
53.A sheep will never use the excuse that: she just did her nails, it's too hot, it's too cold, you'll wake up the kids, you'll wake the neighbors, she's too drunk to enjoy it, or she's not drunk enough to enjoy it.
54.A sheep will never leave you for a cucumber.
Dear Technical Support:
I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it. I hear that Drinking Buddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay. Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself. Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while. I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions. The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented." A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else.One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus. Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw module which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off. I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources. Any Ideas???
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